Evan Nassau

“I have a boyfriend.” Any guy who has at least occasionally approached a woman when out and about has probably heard a woman say this to him. And not just in response to the question: “Do you have a boyfriend.” In this post, I address the situation where a guy sees a woman and goes over to say hello, and she responds by saying “I have a boyfriend.” The first few times this happens to you, it will seem confusing. Why is she telling you this? Why wouldn’t she just say “hello” back? Such a response may come off as rude, insulting, or bitchy.

So what’s going on here? Does this woman actually have a boyfriend? Although it’s possible, if she is quick to say that she has a boyfriend when you are just being friendly, most likely what she is saying is “I’m not interested. Please leave me alone.” (the “please” being optional) The reason for this is that many women, especially attractive women, are being approached by men countless times a day. If they go to a bar or are at a party, or in any social setting, they can expect to be approached or “hit on” literally dozens of times. Some women enjoy the flattery, the compliments, the attention. But other women don’t. If they aren’t “interested” in you, they will be quick to turn you away – and they have found that saying “I have a boyfriend” is an easy way to do this.

While some women have developed this tactic for dealing with guys approaching them when they want to be left alone, other women enjoy being approached (i.e. attention) and they also enjoy turning guys away. They may enjoy what they feel is a sense of entitlement or “power” in being able to shoot a guy down only to have a line of men nevertheless waiting around the corner for their chance. With these women, you aren’t missing out on much anyways.

So to review, if a woman says she has a boyfriend right away:

1. She actually has a boyfriend and is not interested in talking to you.

2. She doesn’t have a boyfriend but isn’t interested in talking to you.

3. She doesn’t have a boyfriend but isn’t interested in being approached by anyone.

You can see the consistency. And these will be the primary reasons. Of course, she may have a boyfriend and be telling you upfront to make sure you realize this so that if you decide to keep talking to her you are doing so knowing that she has a boyfriend (and presumptively therefore only for reasons that are not romantic). Likewise, it’s possible that she doesn’t have a boyfriend and wants to “challenge” you, for example, if she is into “playing games” and if you are physically attractive (she’s not going to play these games with someone whom she doesn’t find attractive). But while these are possibilities, they are not likely.

Now, another scenario you might come across is when she will entertain the conversation but at some point mention that she has a boyfriend, usually in a way that she thinks “seems natural.” For example: let’s say you introduce yourself and you are having a conversation and you start telling a story about how you spilled red wine on your favorite yellow shirt the other day, and she will interject saying something like “Oh, my boyfriend hates the color yellow.” Another example would be if you say “Do you drink beer?” And she responds by saying, “I don’t, but my boyfriend does.” In reality, this is anything but natural – the intentionality is transparent.

At the end of the day, what’s important is not whether she actually has a boyfriend or doesn’t have a boyfriend. What’s important is that you recognize whether she is or isn’t into you. If she’s not, then that’s an important thing to recognize so that you don’t waste too much of your time and resources. It’s important to stay focused and remember that you want to be pursuing women who are, or it’s likely that they could become, interested in you. You also want to strive to get better at gauging a woman’s level of interest in you when you are talking with her. Remember: the goal is not to impress her, the goal is to see whether there is mutual attraction. When she tells you she has a boyfriend, that’s actually a good thing. She has just made your life easier. You now know to move on.

Now, in reality, in the event that a woman does wind up halfway through a conversation mentioning that she has a boyfriend, she probably has already lost interest before hand during the conversation however you were not recognizing this to be the case. She is telling you she has a boyfriend because you haven’t grasped that she’s not interested through her body language and otherwise showing disinterest. A woman telling you immediately when you approach her she has a boyfriend is one thing – she’s doing so purely based on a superficial evaluation of you, or because she doesn’t want to be approached by anybody. But, on the other hand, if you are constantly being told by women that they have boyfriends after they have allowed you to engage them in conversation, this means that you need to change something: either how you talk with women, you’re ability to gauge whether a woman is interested in you, and even the type of women you talk to and where you go to meet women in the first place.

Lastly, if you are open to meeting new people and if that leads somewhere romantically great, but if not and it’s purely friendly or even just a 1-time interaction, then if you are having a good conversation with a woman and she mentions she has a boyfriend, feel free to continue the interaction and if it seems like she brought up having a boyfriend in a natural way then roll with it. For example, you could respond to her saying her boyfriend drives an Audi with a simple: “Really, how does he like it?” This will show her that you are interested in more than just sex, or finding a romantic interest that night, and this will come off as attractive. At the end of the day, it depends on what your goals are, how you want to spend your time, and being able to respond to the feedback she is giving you.

In other posts I have talked about the importance of names, and in particular remembering a girl’s name when you meet her. People are very attached to their names, especially women. With most things, I think a lot is equal between the sexes, but when it comes to names from my experience I have never seen a man get upset when someone forgets his name or mispronounces it or confuses him with someone else. But with women, these sort of mistakes can be really not good. If you forget a woman’s name, she’ll think you don’t care or that she didn’t make an impression on you. I think these “name-issues” are common to men. I know that I have had many instances where, for example, I would hesitate to say hello to a girl I had met before because I forgot her name.

Recently, I made another “name-mistake.” I was at the gym and there was a new lifeguard at the pool. I asked her her name and she said Mirra. I said “Mirra?” She said Mirra. I said “Meera?” She said Mirra. I said “Meira?” She said Mirra. I said “What is your name?” She said Mirra. I said “Oh, ok Miera.” She said Mirra   M-Y-L-A   Mirra. I said “Oh, ok Myla. Great.” I then proceeded to swim away from her and this confusing and unnecessarily awkward exchange.

Here’s the point: When you meet a woman, the last thing you want to do is butcher their name. It just doesn’t get you off to a good start. Now, I wasn’t interested in this girl from a dating perspective, but if I had been, it probably wouldn’t have gotten very far. When you mispronounce a woman’s name (or in my case repeatedly mispronounce a woman’s name) all this is going to do is make it clear that you have no prior relation to each other, and that you already “don’t get her.”

I have since devised a technique which you can use the next time you find yourself in this situation. The girl says her name. It’s not an obvious name like Michelle, but rather something a bit different like Tanya. Instead of asking her what her name is again or trying to pronounce it yourself, simply say “How do you spell that?” She will say T-A-N-Y-A and then you respond “Oh, Tanya. That’s a pretty name.” She’ll say thank you and you are golden. You have her name. You know how to pronounce it. And you even know how to spell it. You’ll probably even have a good chance of remembering it. And life is good.

In a previous post, I discussed what it means to say that “opposites attract” i.e. the ways in which certain qualities can complement each other. In this post, I would like to expand on this topic because compatibility is one of the most important things for a successful relationship.

The way I understand dating is that not only are you trying to find the right person to enter into a relationship with, you are also laying the foundation for that relationship. And that’s what dating is. Dating is the process of building the foundation for a relationship. And like any good foundation, you want to know what you are working with. In terms of dating, this means that you will want to come to a good understanding of who the other person is and whether you “mix well.”

It can be problematic if there are fundamental differences between the two of you because these differences will make it difficult for the relationship to have a strong foundation. Not all differences can be overcome. For example, if someone comes from a culture where they are not interested in having sex before marriage, and the other person comes from a culture where it would be crazy not to know whether you are sexually compatible before entering into a committed relationship, then this is a fundamental difference. This would be an example of the sort of opposites that do not attract. These opposites are not complementary, but rather, there is a fundamental clash – a lack of compatibility between these two people.

And that’s OK. Not everyone out there is going to be compatible with you. As my brother likes to say “You only need one.” This is where online dating makes things interesting. Online dating allows you to see upfront many important considerations like “Does this person want to have children?” “Does he like to drink socially?” etc. This is actually quite revolutionary in so far as in the past, one probably wouldn’t know all of these things beforehand.

Of course, compatibility is more than just these things. There are many levels of compatibility – physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. Let me give you an example from my recent dating history of an instance when it became clear to me that there was such a great incompatibility between myself and the girl I was on a date with that continuing was just not in the cards:

I met this girl through an online dating site. She lived in my area, her profile wasn’t filled out too much, but she looked like a nice girl. She asked if I would be interested in going bowling with her sister and her sister’s boyfriend. I said sure. Going on a sort of double date with her sister and her sister’s boyfriend isn’t the most conventional first date, but I’m flexible and open to new experiences so I thought “Why not? Besides, bowling is always fun.

The date went well so we decided to meet up again the following day. I was thinking of taking her to a restaurant or something like this, but instead, she wanted me to come over and play Wii (she’s 24, by the way). I said sure, thinking this was a bit odd but I’ve never played Wii before so who knows? When I arrive, the same sister who went bowling with us the other night was there again – and again with her boyfriend. We played some Wii which was nice… but as it was Friday night I was ready to do something so I said “Why don’t we go out?” At this point I was told by the older sister that she was not allowed to leave the house with a guy until her mom would approve of it – and that this would take at least 3 months. She likewise told me that we were only allowed to be in the downstairs area i.e. we couldn’t go upstairs. The sister then continued by expounding her views on the importance of not having sex with someone when you are “just dating.”

OK, I realized at this point that there was a fundamental incompatibility between this girl and myself. Yes, she was nice enough. But culturally, we were living in two different worlds. It became clear to me that this girl would have to find a different guy. Rather than saying “I’ll call you later,” I wanted to be direct so I simply told her “I think I’m not the right guy for you. I hope you find someone who is. Take care.”

Having a connection with someone is extremely important. In dating, you are looking for that connection. But you are also looking for compatibility. Connection – Compatibility – Communication – Trust. These are the pillars of a good relationship. If you find one of these things to be lacking, it’s important to recognize this and proceed with caution (or not at all).

The good thing about this date for myself was that I was able to realize more clearly through contrast just what it is that I am looking for in a girl. I am looking for someone with a good degree of independence, the ability to be spontaneous, the desire to loosen inhibitions from time to time, to engage in sexual activity, etc. And while this may always have seemed obvious to me, this date brought a new level of “clarity to the obvious.”

Online dating has its pros and cons. One “good” thing is that you wind up going on dates with people that you normally wouldn’t necessarily date. And while this can be somewhat frustrating, it can also provide you with a greater clarity about what your dating goals really are, and what type of person you are really looking for. It did for me.

“I’m confused about the sayings 1. “Opposites Attract” and 2. People like having things in common…?” asks a high-school male:

I was thinking about this the other day, and thinking that it would be nice to go out with a girl who shared a lot of interests with me: e.g. also likes listening to rock music, is active/likes being outdoors, etc.. But then I realized that, what about the saying, “Opposites attract”? So, question for you guys and girls: are there certain things that you don’t mind having in common but certain things that you prefer to differ in with another person? Or do you strictly believe that “opposites attract” or that people are compatible if they have a lot in common?

To answer:

“There are 2 types of opposites, compatible opposites and incompatible opposites.

1. For example, chocolate and vanilla are opposites but they go together. A strong man and a flexible woman are opposite but they go together. 6 and 9 go together. You get the picture.

2. Someone who is considerate and someone who is inconsiderate are opposites but they do not go together. Spandex and anything does not go together. You get my point.

So, what you are looking for is a girl who complements you. Perhaps it would be better to say that “complements attract”?”

The statement that “opposites attract” and that “people like having things in common” complement one another. Men will always be attracted to women who exude feminine qualities and women will always be attracted to men who have masculine qualities. But compatibility is more than just being attracted to one another – it’s also about being able to stay harmoniously together. Compatibility is typically the result of having the right amount of complementary opposites as well as a good amount of things in common.

“What’s the big deal between intercourse and oral sex?” asks a college-age girl:

They’re both sex, right? Why do people say intercourse is so emotional, and don’t have sex unless you’re committed, etc, but think it’s okay to have oral sex? I haven’t had sex yet but I’ve had oral and I don’t see what the big difference is, but some people still say to wait.

To answer:

“The reason why there is such an emphasis placed on intercourse rather than oral sex is:

1. This is the same act that can result in producing a child – the symbol of love and the desire to be with the other person “forever” and have a family together.

2. Some positions of intercourse involve looking straight at each other, in contrast to oral sex where you are sort of up there on your own while they are doing their thing.

3. Intercourse is an act that involves both partners (to greater or lesser degrees) while oral sex is one person performing an act on another person.

4. Sex involves both the risk of STDs as well as the possibility of an unplanned pregnancy.”

While intercourse and oral sex are both sexual, there are both physiological as well as symbolic differences between them.

Is smiling flirting is a question that I have answered many many times. It’s usually not phrased so simply however. Instead, the questions will be “He smiled at me, do you think he likes me?” Or “She stares at me in class, and once I saw her smile as I was walking down the hall, but then…” so on and so forth. Over and over, people will ask whether if a guy or girl smiles at them that means that they like them. And it’s understandable. When we like someone, we want to know if they like us back. We look for clues – smiling, eye contact, and other things like this. Likewise, when we are not interested in someone, but they keep smiling at us, we have to wonder whether they are smiling because they “want us,” want “something from us,” or what?

Well, the simple answer is: Yes, smiling is flirting. Most people smile a lot when they flirt. Smiling shows happiness. In text messages and online mediums, this translates into emoticons Smiling is the indication to the other person to either continue doing what they are doing, to do something more, or to simply continue “being” there.

The problem is, smiling is also ambiguous:

1) Some people are just very friendly, or “smiley.” They smile at everyone, they smile all the time. Either because they are genuinely happy, or because they have been told that smiling will get you through life easier, etc. As such, just because someone’s smiling at you, how do you know that it is particularly significant that they are smiling at you? If they are smiling with every one else as well, it probably isn’t.

2) Alternatively, it can sometimes be hard to tell if that smile means she’s into you, because people smile when they are just being friendly, or are just happy. That guy who is “smiling at you” might actually have a girlfriend, you don’t really know. He might have thought your joke was genuinely funny. So you don’t want to jump to conclusions.

To use philosophical terminology “Smiling is necessary, but not sufficient.” What that means is that if someone is flirting with you, they will smile. But just because they smile, that doesn’t mean they are necessarily flirting with you. As such, what you are going to want to do is “contextualize” the smiling. Do they do anything else when they are around you that indicates that they are into you? Look for things like eye contact, compliments, light touching, etc.

Being able to tell what’s going on in another person’s head is always a difficult task. However, you can get better at it. If you don’t really know the other person well, then that’s a good place to start. Do some flirting of your own, see if there is mutual attraction or chemistry. Keep in mind that smiling is always a positive (unless it’s a “fake smile” in which case it isn’t) and most importantly, smile back

In this post, I will discuss self-deprecating humor i.e. the act of making fun of yourself, in order to arouse some level of interest, enjoyment, even attraction in the other person. For example, Seth Rogan (the guy from Knocked Up) is always making fun of himself for being fat or having a Jew fro, etc. Why? Well, because he is (or at least was) fat and he did in fact have a “Jew fro.” But, being the humorous guy he is, he is able to get women interested in him. Likewise, you can look at Adam Sandler who is always “joking” about having a small penis. And, of course, one can’t not mention the master – Woody Allen.

OK, so what’s going on here with all this self-deprecating humor? Well, self-deprecating humor can be a funny thing. It can work for you or it can work against you – and that’s what I would like to address:

When it works:

1. When you are comfortable with yourself, in particular the thing that you are making fun of. For example, if you can’t dance but you can joke about it, well it’s better than someone who can’t dance and is just awkwardly sitting there, not saying anything at all.

2. Also, making fun of yourself works when it’s not true – and the other person realizes this is the case. For example, let’s say you joke about being “terrible in bed” but the other person knows that this just isn’t true (for example: because you are having sex with them). The other person, realizing you are joking, will find it funny and maybe even see you as being modest, or confident, or both.

3. When you are just being goofy for the sake of being goofy (so the joke doesn’t really relate to “you”).

When it doesn’t work:

1. When the other person doesn’t like something about you, but you just “joke” it off. For example, let’s say they think you are arrogant, so you “joke” about how arrogant you are… while not changing your arrogant behavior. The person you are dating will now not only think you are arrogant, they will also think you don’t care about how they feel.

2. When you do it all the time. This can send off signals that you actually have low self-esteem which is of course not a good thing, and especially unattractive. As they say… “There is a hint of truth in every joke.”

3. If you aren’t funny in your delivery.

Who would have thought making fun of yourself could be so serious? I guess it really is “no laughing matter?”

Yea.. I know.

In this post, I will address a common scenario when you are talking to someone on the phone and they say something that you did not expected, and that you have therefore not had the time to process. You don’t know exactly how to respond. For example:

1. You may have been called unexpectedly, perhaps while you are in the middle of something else.

2. Or, alternatively, the other person may have brought up something that you haven’t quite figured out what your position is on the subject.

For example, let’s say a woman were to say to me: “Hey, I know we were going to hang out but I’m not sure…” Now, if you were to engage this discourse immediately, without time to reflect, who knows what you will wind up saying and how that will turn out! That’s why, instead, I will recommend that you say something like “Oh that’s interesting. Could you tell me more about how you are feeling?” Then -> just listen.

At that point, ask if you can call them right back. They should say “sure” and then you can have some time to yourself to process this information before proceeding to call them back and continue the conversation. In this way, you are able to properly think through the concern being brought forth, and thereby will have a good chance of being able to deal with it in such a way that will go more smoothly than if you were simply to provide some off-the cuff perhaps defensive or insecure response.

Personally, in the past, there have been many times when I would simply go with whatever knee-jerk reaction came to me, instead of using the technique of taking the necessary time to think, fully process the information, and then call the other person back. Learning from this mistake, I strive to now take the time to digest the other person’s thoughts, in order to be able to then reply in a well-thought out manner.

What is the difference between “hanging out” and dating?

“This is a good question because there is a palpable difference between just “hanging out” and dating.

1. Hanging out is “unstructured” or loosely structured. It may involve multiple people, it can be spontaneous, etc. But what it lacks is the specific intention to see if there is a romantic connection between the 2 of you.

2. Dating, on the other hand, is a formal affair (although it should be casual, at least the first date). There is a desire to see that other person on a 1-on-1 basis which will facilitate getting to know each other with the hopes that you might be compatible – physically and emotionally.”

It’s important to recognize that there is a big difference between “just hanging out” and dating. In college, in particular, I think this distinction is sometimes lost. a lot of people in college now a days don’t really date. They hang out in the dorms, they see each other after class or at a party, things like this. And this is a good thing in so far as its a natural way to meet people, get to know each other, and see if you get along. However, it can become problematic when people forget that dating can be a good next step. Sometimes people hang out and, for example, the guy never asks the girl he likes out on a date so then he winds up in her “friend zone” so on and so forth. This is a very common situation, which is actually easily avoided as long as one keeps in mind the difference between dating and hanging out and acts accordingly.

In this post I will be talking about an important consideration when text messaging: how long you take to respond to someone’s text message. When you send a text message, or when you are responding to a text message, how long it takes you to send back your text to the other person will affect how they read your “message.”

This is because of the nature of text messaging. Not only is the other person receiving the words (or even pictures) that you have sent them, they are also going to be aware of how long it took you to respond. So, for example, if someone says even something as simple as “Hey, how are you doing?”.. if you respond “Good thanks, you?” immediately, that will be very different than if you wait an hour or two.

As we all know:

1. Text messaging is a new form of communication – a sort of “wild west” of communication, at least in dating. There are no rules. Perhaps what you wouldn’t say in person, you would say as a text. Perhaps you wouldn’t be able to talk to someone otherwise (for example, if you are at work) – but you can shoot them a text.

2. Texting is an extremely ambiguous form of communication involving a few words or lines of text staring you in the face, waiting to be interpreted. (for example, “Last night was.. funny?” good luck figuring out what that means)

I will talk more about texting (and other modes of communication frequent in dating now a days like facebook messaging, emailing, phone convos, etc.) in other posts. But, as far as this topic is concerned: the point is to be aware of how long you spend crafting your text message responses – realizing that how much time you take will affect how the “message” is interpreted.

To give a final example: Let’s say someone texts me “Do you want to meet up later tonight?” and I am going to respond with “Sure” right away… but then I think to myself something like “Well, let me craft this text message a little better to convey confidence or whatever it is I want to convey” so instead of just sending “Sure” I spend 5-10 minutes crafting a more interesting message like “Yea, sure. Sounds good. See you there.” The thing is, while this second message may or may not have been an improvement over just saying “Sure,” since it took me 10 minutes to write the thing, the person has just had 10 minutes to wonder (to wonder about what you are thinking, to wonder if you will respond at all, to wonder if they should have texted you in the first place, etc.)

As you can see, responding to another person’s text messages can be somewhat complex. That is why I prefer talking on the phone to texting (as well as other forms of ambiguous text-based virtual communications like AIM or twitter) in general. To simplify life, a good idea is to simply respond to texts right away. At least then you will come across as someone who is reachable, responsive.. maybe even considerate?